Father Huntington taught me, almost 60 years ago now, that the intention of all anger was destruction. At 17, that was beyond my understanding, although interestingly not beyond my experience. Anger, like most – if not all – feelings, impels us to do something. I’ve read, and I believe, that anger is an internal coverup for being scared. Okay, but the anger still impels us to do something – probably to alleviate that internal fear.
Anger also feeds upon anger. My job as a parent, foster or adoptive, is to build an unshakeable bond with my kid. That, of course, is the bond that a good parent has with their baby. No matter what feedback comes from the baby, it is a one-sided decision to create that bond. And to honor and respect it. So too with the older kids that we work with in the foster care system. They haven’t had that bond as babies, apparently. But that bond is what overcomes internal fear and thereby provides a sense of safety for the baby. And – I claim – for the child in the system. Anger from the baby, or child, cannot shake that bond. But anger towards the baby or child, can and does.
The 4% have bounced from home to home to home while in foster care. They were moved most times because their foster or pre-adoptive parents were angry at the child’s angry behavior. While they would think little of a baby’s temper tantrum, they take personally the older child’s anger. It’s because the older child’s behavior in reaction to the anger must be dealt with and that is far more difficult to do with an older child, who cannot be contained as a baby could.
It is 48 years today since I took my first three kids. Over those 48 years, I have experienced that anger towards my kids’ behavior. Repeatedly. But I have also learned that it is my job to get past that anger and respond to the child in a way that reinforces our unshakeable bond. No “tit for tat” – though it sure is tempting. No going “down to their level” – although that too is often tempting. No “displays of power” to teach them a lesson or to give them a taste of their own medicine. My job is to lift them up and I can’t do that by bringing myself down to their level. My job is to respond to their behavior without reacting to my own anger.
That takes work. And sacrifice. And it is hard. And frustrating. (And rewarding too.)
But if an adult does not get that or is not willing to do that, I don’t want them near our kids. Our 4% are often called victims. I don’t think so. The folks in Venezuela are victims of the double earthquake. No, rather our kids have been targets. Personal targets. Of folks using them to dump their own anger, under the cover of “teaching them.” Or “punishing them for their own good.”
Nonsense. We live in a culture of anger dumping. It’s everywhere. Our kids do not need more of that. From anyone: foster parents and adoptive parents above all – people whom we trust to help our kids. Dumping anger on our kids never does help. But it does feed the kids’ sense of self-blame and self-anger.
I’m done with those folks who do it. Done. A bad family is NOT better than no family, on the condition that the kid is given an adult who builds an unshakeable bond with him/her. Though the best long-term outcome would be adoption, it’s not required if the child has that bond.
I believe this and I sure hope I’m right.